Divine Privilege and the Perks of Wholly Holy Hypocrisy
By: God the Self-Righteous
The just live by faith. That is what Martin
Luther, founder of the Lutheran Church would have you believe. What does such a
screwy statement mean anyways? The just live by faith? It’s like saying the
steak will cook by itself. Never mind that this was Luther’s own personal
interpretation of the Holy Bible, but whose version and interpretation of the
Holy Bible is correct?
There are simply far too many versions of what is
considered the ’truth’ and far too many opinions of what path an individual
must pursue in order to cement their eternal salvation with Jesus Christ the
Savior. Since you humans can’t seem to come up with a proper interpretation of
salvation in plain language without distorting my original meaning I will
explain it again, without any ’verily’ or similar crapola that you love to
misinterpret.
First and foremost, the main issue
here is salvation. For those of you who do not understand or know what
salvation entails I will give you the most simple and easy to understand
explanation. Bluntly put, salvation means that instead of going to hell in a
hand-basket like the majority of humanity no doubt will your soul will be
re-united with Jesus up in Heaven.
It is absolutely, one hundred percent
imperative that everyone understands that salvation is for believers only.
However, it is not just for any old believers, but for Christian believers. As
a further however it is not any old or ordinary Christian believers who will
become neighbors of Jesus Christ up in Heaven. Only those Christian believers
who very strictly follow the Word of God are saved and sent to Heaven. It is at
this juncture that it must be understood that actual salvation will vary from
denomination to denomination, being wholly dependent on a particular church
group’s dogmatic interpretation of the Bible.
A key issue that a majority of
Christian denominations focus on in addition to salvation is the behavior of an
individual who believes in Jesus Christ the Savior. Allow me to be as frank
with you as possible, and at the same time understand that my descriptions and
explanations are in no way, shape, or form intended to offend anyone. Now, you
may be the most polite person in the world. You may be a citizen who devotes
every waking moment of their life to helping everyone around them with whatever
it is they need.
You may even be someone like Mother Theresa or Mother Theresa
herself. I really don’t care and it doesn't really matter, because if you do
not believe the acceptable version of the Holy Bible and the acceptable truth
about salvation, if you do not believe in the acceptable version of the Gospel,
if you are not up to date on what it is exactly you are supposed to believe
in…guess what? You’re screwed. Your pansy little ass is going to hell; so dress
for warm weather.
Anyone out there in the world, in
reality (or whatever it is you wish to call your limited existence) who does
not believe in the precise and required manner is going to burn in
hell…forever. This will be the case with everyone no matter how well they
behave or how good they are as individual people. The Lake of Fire is not a
joke! The Holy Bible of God’s Word, mind you I mean only the qualified
interpretation of the Holy Bible, is very specific in labeling the Lake of Fire
as a real place, a real threat and not a joke.
Now, on to discussing being a real,
actual, valid, and true believer of Jesus Christ the Savior. Always keep in
mind that I am referring to qualified believers only when I say ‘believer’. If
you are a qualified believer you are forgiven of your sins no matter what.
Interestingly enough, you may not think so and the society you live in may not
think so, but the fact remains that criminals who convert are forgiven. This is
absolute and all encompassing no matter the criminal or his or her committed
crime.
Jesus Christ the Savior absolutely loves criminals who convert. Thieves,
thugs of all types, murderers, and drug addicts are forgiven since they
understandably have no control over their own lives with either drugs or
stupidity at the helm of their existence. It is the duty and responsibility for
all believers to pray for criminals who convert. Think of it this way: The
harder the drug and the crime, the harder the believer should pray for the
converted criminals whom, unbeknownst to many, Jesus Christ the Savior
privately refers to as, “My little penitentiary lambs.”
It is essential to know that
salvation is permanent and eternal. If you do not believe this then I suggest
you find the verse in the Holy Bible (the acceptable version) that states once
you are in the Father’s hands, you are always in the Father’s hands; no one can
snatch you out. Not even you can snatch yourself out of the Father’s hands. It
is equally essential for all true believers to understand that a shift in
belief from a qualified Christian ideology to anything even remotely
contradictory to the same automatically revokes existing salvation in it’s
entirety.
In addition, any change in belief in the one, true, male God
immediately revokes salvation. Other actions that will result in immediate loss
of salvation include, but are not limited to: homosexuality or lesbianism,
pre-marital sexual relations, communication with non-qualified believer
individuals to include family members and friends, failure to accept the
interpretation of the acceptable version of the Holy Bible as so stated by a
qualified believer preacher or priest or religious leader, failure to conform
to current and acceptable norms inasmuch as qualified Christian believer
behavior is concerned, and any conceivable practice of witchcraft, wizardry,
magic of any type, tarot cards, tea leaf precognitive practices, and any and
all types of occult actions.
When associating with individuals who
are qualified believers it is important to devise and organize sufficient game
plans for interacting with individuals who are not qualified believers. Whether
or not you anticipate your interaction with a non-believer to be on your own it
is of the utmost importance to practice your interaction tactics. First, you
must practice picking on and berating non-believers. You must always start with
the most obvious subject which is the lifestyle of the individual you are
picking on. Like a cat that finally corners it’s rodent quarry you must pounce
on every conceivable issue. If your quarry wears designer clothing, hairstyles,
or make-up be certain to harass them with such comments as, “Oh, so spending
money on how you look on the outside is more important than tithing the
Heavenly Father?”
Witty and snide remarks such as, “Where did you get your coat
of many colors? Bloomingdales?” are equally acceptable. If at all possible
infuse your comments with actual biblical text such as, “So, that fact that God
clothes even the lilies of the valley is not enough for you? You feel the need
to put aside His provisions in exchange of worldly goods?” The validity and
sense of your remarks really makes no difference so long as you keep in mind
that the sole purpose of even making the comments in the first place is to cut
down, demean, berate, harass, destroy, pick on, and aggravate any non-believer
at anytime and anyplace. This is your qualified believer’s duty.
Once you have pissed-off a
non-believer to the point where you have their full attention you must turn up
the heat. Be firm in your knowledge and cite very loudly that the non-believer
is going to hell. Be vicious in your attack and tell the individual that
everything they are doing in their life is wrong. Always pick heavily on
personal flaws and downplay any positive character traits to include
philanthropy, education status, good parenting, and any positive motivations
and actions be they social, personal, or otherwise. Be quick and surly in
informing your quarry of their mental and spiritual inefficiencies and
shortcomings.
The angrier the non-believer you are picking on becomes the more
self-righteous you should be. Ask the non-believer why they think they have
nothing to defend or worry about? When they make an attempt to answer your
question be sure to talk over them and drown them out by loudly touting, “God doesn't take excuses. He takes souls.” The non-believer before you should be quite
close to fever pitch anger at this point of the conversation. Now you must move
in for the kill.
Say to the non-believer, “Obviously
you know you are doing something wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive
and angry!” When the believer counters with, “I didn't ask to hear your
bullshit in the first place!” be sure to say, “Hey, you either are or aren't saved and going to Heaven. If you really want to go to hell that badly, knock
yourself out.” As you turn away from the non-believer be sure to say in your
most sincere voice, “I will pray for you. I will pray that you see the light
and love of God before it is too late.” Usually your final comment will be more
than enough to drive the non-believer reeling into a fit of anger-driven
hysteria.
Ordinarily, many victims of the
self-righteous qualified believers state that the only reason qualified
believers pick on the people around them is because anyone who believes differently
is considered to be a spiritual risk and lethal to the souls of humanity. The
truth of the matter and the truth of what the non-believer has to say makes no
difference whatsoever.
Great care must be taken to ignore the non-believer’s
response, for once a qualified believer allows their conscience to care for the
truth they are immediately drawn into the age-old, non-believer argument of
whether or not the so-called validity of Christianity is actually divine,
spiritual, and inspired truth. If not, doesn't that automatically invalidate
the totality of the proclaimed truth of Christianity that all qualified
believers claim? Once you, oh qualified believer, are drawn down and sucked
into this argument, regardless of any modicum of truth within it, you might as
well put your face between your ass-cheeks and kiss your soul and eternal
salvation good-bye.
It is in closing that the greatest
danger to every qualified believer is revealed: Devil created loneliness. All
qualified believers must be made highly aware that the Devil is just as tricky
now as he was the day a secret religious council dreamed him up eons ago.
Loneliness is one of the most terrible and horrid social diseases to suffer
from. Interestingly enough, loneliness is at the top of the Devil’s list as a
means by which to separate the qualified believer from their eternal destiny
with Jesus Christ the Savior. The Devil is sure to inundate the qualified
believer with a deluge of loneliness via means of separation and alienation
from friends, family members, and pretty much the rest of normally functioning
society.
It is therefore up to the dedicated and qualified believer to remain
true to Jesus Christ the Savior and not forsake the Word of God. Finding a way
to weather a lonely, emotionally devoid life of religious smugness is not an
easy task by any means. However, if a qualified believer sticks to his or her
guns of spiritual superiority they will find that God will lead them by the
hand through the bleakness of their empty and deserted lives. Amen.
