Saturday, May 25, 2013

What is Acceptable Behavior for Christians?

Divine Privilege and the Perks of Wholly Holy Hypocrisy
By: God the Self-Righteous

The just live by faith. That is what Martin Luther, founder of the Lutheran Church would have you believe. What does such a screwy statement mean anyways? The just live by faith? It’s like saying the steak will cook by itself. Never mind that this was Luther’s own personal interpretation of the Holy Bible, but whose version and interpretation of the Holy Bible is correct? 

There are simply far too many versions of what is considered the ’truth’ and far too many opinions of what path an individual must pursue in order to cement their eternal salvation with Jesus Christ the Savior. Since you humans can’t seem to come up with a proper interpretation of salvation in plain language without distorting my original meaning I will explain it again, without any ’verily’ or similar crapola that you love to misinterpret.

First and foremost, the main issue here is salvation. For those of you who do not understand or know what salvation entails I will give you the most simple and easy to understand explanation. Bluntly put, salvation means that instead of going to hell in a hand-basket like the majority of humanity no doubt will your soul will be re-united with Jesus up in Heaven.

It is absolutely, one hundred percent imperative that everyone understands that salvation is for believers only. However, it is not just for any old believers, but for Christian believers. As a further however it is not any old or ordinary Christian believers who will become neighbors of Jesus Christ up in Heaven. Only those Christian believers who very strictly follow the Word of God are saved and sent to Heaven. It is at this juncture that it must be understood that actual salvation will vary from denomination to denomination, being wholly dependent on a particular church group’s dogmatic interpretation of the Bible.

A key issue that a majority of Christian denominations focus on in addition to salvation is the behavior of an individual who believes in Jesus Christ the Savior. Allow me to be as frank with you as possible, and at the same time understand that my descriptions and explanations are in no way, shape, or form intended to offend anyone. Now, you may be the most polite person in the world. You may be a citizen who devotes every waking moment of their life to helping everyone around them with whatever it is they need. 

You may even be someone like Mother Theresa or Mother Theresa herself. I really don’t care and it doesn't really matter, because if you do not believe the acceptable version of the Holy Bible and the acceptable truth about salvation, if you do not believe in the acceptable version of the Gospel, if you are not up to date on what it is exactly you are supposed to believe in…guess what? You’re screwed. Your pansy little ass is going to hell; so dress for warm weather.

Anyone out there in the world, in reality (or whatever it is you wish to call your limited existence) who does not believe in the precise and required manner is going to burn in hell…forever. This will be the case with everyone no matter how well they behave or how good they are as individual people. The Lake of Fire is not a joke! The Holy Bible of God’s Word, mind you I mean only the qualified interpretation of the Holy Bible, is very specific in labeling the Lake of Fire as a real place, a real threat and not a joke.

Now, on to discussing being a real, actual, valid, and true believer of Jesus Christ the Savior. Always keep in mind that I am referring to qualified believers only when I say ‘believer’. If you are a qualified believer you are forgiven of your sins no matter what. Interestingly enough, you may not think so and the society you live in may not think so, but the fact remains that criminals who convert are forgiven. This is absolute and all encompassing no matter the criminal or his or her committed crime. 

Jesus Christ the Savior absolutely loves criminals who convert. Thieves, thugs of all types, murderers, and drug addicts are forgiven since they understandably have no control over their own lives with either drugs or stupidity at the helm of their existence. It is the duty and responsibility for all believers to pray for criminals who convert. Think of it this way: The harder the drug and the crime, the harder the believer should pray for the converted criminals whom, unbeknownst to many, Jesus Christ the Savior privately refers to as, “My little penitentiary lambs.”

It is essential to know that salvation is permanent and eternal. If you do not believe this then I suggest you find the verse in the Holy Bible (the acceptable version) that states once you are in the Father’s hands, you are always in the Father’s hands; no one can snatch you out. Not even you can snatch yourself out of the Father’s hands. It is equally essential for all true believers to understand that a shift in belief from a qualified Christian ideology to anything even remotely contradictory to the same automatically revokes existing salvation in it’s entirety. 

In addition, any change in belief in the one, true, male God immediately revokes salvation. Other actions that will result in immediate loss of salvation include, but are not limited to: homosexuality or lesbianism, pre-marital sexual relations, communication with non-qualified believer individuals to include family members and friends, failure to accept the interpretation of the acceptable version of the Holy Bible as so stated by a qualified believer preacher or priest or religious leader, failure to conform to current and acceptable norms inasmuch as qualified Christian believer behavior is concerned, and any conceivable practice of witchcraft, wizardry, magic of any type, tarot cards, tea leaf precognitive practices, and any and all types of occult actions.

When associating with individuals who are qualified believers it is important to devise and organize sufficient game plans for interacting with individuals who are not qualified believers. Whether or not you anticipate your interaction with a non-believer to be on your own it is of the utmost importance to practice your interaction tactics. First, you must practice picking on and berating non-believers. You must always start with the most obvious subject which is the lifestyle of the individual you are picking on. Like a cat that finally corners it’s rodent quarry you must pounce on every conceivable issue. If your quarry wears designer clothing, hairstyles, or make-up be certain to harass them with such comments as, “Oh, so spending money on how you look on the outside is more important than tithing the Heavenly Father?” 

Witty and snide remarks such as, “Where did you get your coat of many colors? Bloomingdales?” are equally acceptable. If at all possible infuse your comments with actual biblical text such as, “So, that fact that God clothes even the lilies of the valley is not enough for you? You feel the need to put aside His provisions in exchange of worldly goods?” The validity and sense of your remarks really makes no difference so long as you keep in mind that the sole purpose of even making the comments in the first place is to cut down, demean, berate, harass, destroy, pick on, and aggravate any non-believer at anytime and anyplace. This is your qualified believer’s duty.

Once you have pissed-off a non-believer to the point where you have their full attention you must turn up the heat. Be firm in your knowledge and cite very loudly that the non-believer is going to hell. Be vicious in your attack and tell the individual that everything they are doing in their life is wrong. Always pick heavily on personal flaws and downplay any positive character traits to include philanthropy, education status, good parenting, and any positive motivations and actions be they social, personal, or otherwise. Be quick and surly in informing your quarry of their mental and spiritual inefficiencies and shortcomings. 

The angrier the non-believer you are picking on becomes the more self-righteous you should be. Ask the non-believer why they think they have nothing to defend or worry about? When they make an attempt to answer your question be sure to talk over them and drown them out by loudly touting, “God doesn't take excuses. He takes souls.” The non-believer before you should be quite close to fever pitch anger at this point of the conversation. Now you must move in for the kill.

Say to the non-believer, “Obviously you know you are doing something wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive and angry!” When the believer counters with, “I didn't ask to hear your bullshit in the first place!” be sure to say, “Hey, you either are or aren't saved and going to Heaven. If you really want to go to hell that badly, knock yourself out.” As you turn away from the non-believer be sure to say in your most sincere voice, “I will pray for you. I will pray that you see the light and love of God before it is too late.” Usually your final comment will be more than enough to drive the non-believer reeling into a fit of anger-driven hysteria.

Ordinarily, many victims of the self-righteous qualified believers state that the only reason qualified believers pick on the people around them is because anyone who believes differently is considered to be a spiritual risk and lethal to the souls of humanity. The truth of the matter and the truth of what the non-believer has to say makes no difference whatsoever. 

Great care must be taken to ignore the non-believer’s response, for once a qualified believer allows their conscience to care for the truth they are immediately drawn into the age-old, non-believer argument of whether or not the so-called validity of Christianity is actually divine, spiritual, and inspired truth. If not, doesn't that automatically invalidate the totality of the proclaimed truth of Christianity that all qualified believers claim? Once you, oh qualified believer, are drawn down and sucked into this argument, regardless of any modicum of truth within it, you might as well put your face between your ass-cheeks and kiss your soul and eternal salvation good-bye.

It is in closing that the greatest danger to every qualified believer is revealed: Devil created loneliness. All qualified believers must be made highly aware that the Devil is just as tricky now as he was the day a secret religious council dreamed him up eons ago. 

Loneliness is one of the most terrible and horrid social diseases to suffer from. Interestingly enough, loneliness is at the top of the Devil’s list as a means by which to separate the qualified believer from their eternal destiny with Jesus Christ the Savior. The Devil is sure to inundate the qualified believer with a deluge of loneliness via means of separation and alienation from friends, family members, and pretty much the rest of normally functioning society. 

It is therefore up to the dedicated and qualified believer to remain true to Jesus Christ the Savior and not forsake the Word of God. Finding a way to weather a lonely, emotionally devoid life of religious smugness is not an easy task by any means. However, if a qualified believer sticks to his or her guns of spiritual superiority they will find that God will lead them by the hand through the bleakness of their empty and deserted lives. Amen.

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